January 15, 2012

The One Where I Shank Myself Repeatedly.

Drawing by Angela Williams

A razor is a bladed tool primarily used in the removal of unwanted body hair through the act of shaving.  This is the definition that Wikipedia gives for what a razor is. They should have added 'created by men' to that little definition of their's because only a man would come up with the most annoying way to shave off body hair known to the universe.

I kid you not. They probably sat there back in the day when women were supposed to be all proper going 'Hmm how can I make my girlfriend/wife/conquest (olden day version of a fuck buddy) swear like a sailor for my amusement.' Guess what douche nozzles, it's not 1948 or whatever year it was when women were expected to be all proper. It's 2012, if you want to hear me swear like a trucker, just stand in my general vicinity for more than five minutes.

[Pauses to take a deep breath.]

But, i'll get back to that. Usually I use Nair Lotion (Shameless product placement, though if you're going to buy it go to Target they have the cheapest price out of Rite Aid, CVS and Walmart.) The new version smells pretty not that nasty smell you remember that makes you want to vomit and for real people it works like a boss.

After I Nair I usually spend the next few hours just touching myself...That came out wrong. My skins just so smooth! You can't blame me, use it and you'll see what I mean. Anyway, I digress. So typically I don't shave I Nair, but when I got up this morning imagine my surprise when I looked under my bathroom cabinet and saw the last of my Nair was gone, which wasn't the case yesterday. This is one of the problems you have when you live with three other women. They don't respect boundaries! Can you guys feel my glare? Is it coming through the computer screen?

So, with my lack of Nair I could either go to work tomorrow looking like some kind of wildabeast or I could shave. Sure I could have run to CVS un-showered and gross in this 12 degree weather, but why in the world would I do that? It's fucking cold out. I do own razor's because well there are just some things you can't Nair. But I despise using them. They do not make my skin silky soft no matter what the stupid advertisements say or what kind of shaving cream I use.

But, I begrudgingly grabbed my razor and shaving cream anyway and made a point to stomp up the stairs as loud as possible. Because I'm a big ass baby that way and when I'm pissed you should know it so you can apologize and grovel for my forgiveness. That way I don't replace your sugar with salt or other petty pranks of that nature.

I get to the bathroom and this is what I see:

In case you're wondering there are four towels out...FOUR. I'm not even sure why a person would need so many for one shower. Plus the floor was wet. Eww.

Apparently Hurricane Jenna or Sister Number One, has already taken a shower and left the bathroom like this. Something you should know before I continue is we have three and a half bathrooms, but everyone uses the main one. I'm not really sure why. Stupidity maybe, who knows, but anyway, yes. I go to take my shower and it looks like the bathroom exploded into some kind of towel war zone. Are you asking yourself why I have a camera in the bathroom? First it's a Blackberry and if you can't hear the snootiness in my typing then insert that right over there when I talk about the Blackberry.

I have my BB in the bathroom with me because I take dirty picture of myself while I shower and send them to my boyfriend as evidence of why he shouldn't work of God's day...

Kidding. Relax.

I don't have a boyfriend. But if he left me in favor of work on a Sunday that sounds like something I might do. If you haven't noticed I'm convinced I have ADD I can't seem to stick to just one topic. Where was I? Oh right the messy ass bathroom. I was annoyed that I had to clean it before I took a shower, but I rectified that immediately. I simply took her mess from the bathroom and dumped it in her bedroom. Problem solved.

Back to the shaving and the way men torture women. I think I sliced each leg about five times and it wasn't like I could stop. I mean how awkward is a half shaved leg? So obviously I needed to keep going. Add in  the slippery shower floor, the fact that I'm sliding all around and balancing and moving and really it's like a fucking acrobatic experience. I might as well be playing twister.

Left leg on toilet, right leg against edge of bath, arm straight up.

I mean really it's exhausting. I woke up, took a shower, shaved and I was ready for a nap. Nair is just easier and come on we live in America we're lazy we're all about things being easy. So after my forty-five minute shower, yes before you say it, it was that long. Again it's the razor's fault!

Side Note: Nair takes ten to fifteen minutes at most and you do it BEFORE you get in the shower. You come out and you're all pretty and smooth! It's the way the world should be. But shaving makes everything take longer.

I finally got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around myself and stood there. My hair was wet, obviously, I was slightly exasperated and I had battle wounds dripping blood down my legs, which is disgusting. Blood is gross, unless of course it's someone else's and you're watching hot guys fight each other. I've suddenly got the image of Justin Hartley in gladiator wear running through my mind...


Right, yeah, hi. Anyway, I survived my fight with the razor with slightly more than minimal damage, but it didn't get to def-con five levels so I suppose that's good. You're probably judging me right now, but I don't care. You know I'm right. You can't say your razor has never tried to eat you, because that would be a lie and then I'd have to slap you. I'm sitting here writing this and my damn legs are still burning, I swear to god never again.

Or not until the next time I get hairy and run out of Nair, anyway.

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